A Kiss without Commitment....

I have been going through a Daniel Bedingfield phase (again) and this song ‘a kiss without commitment’ really struck a chord with me! I don’t think random kissing is the way forward…I don’t see the point, because its two people using each other for whatever reason and it cheapens the whole thing…that’s just my opinion though.

However sometimes we make mistakes, but this evening I really know that a kiss without commitment is just meaningless, like how can you remain totally detached from what’s happening when you kiss and not caring about the person you kiss, it’s meant to be something intimate, of worth and meaning. Of the 5 people I have kissed in my life time I can honestly say that only kissing with 2 of those people has ever meant anything to me and they were in a relationship where we both meant something to each other.

My head is still swimming and not straight, but these are some of the words; I deleted the others so just to put here those that really spoke to me ….

A Kiss Without Commitment

------Daniel Bedingfield------

A kiss without commitment's

Like a flower without the rain

It only leads to pain

And it fills my heart with emptiness

Your touch without commitment's

Like a calm before the storm

The tears are starting to form in my eyes

When I kissed you I was curious

Physical is fine

But I cannot avoid the pain

I'm like an express train

As I surge towards the mountains

I am certain as I'm livin'

I cannot do this again

We're much too greater friends

To play games

I know really know that God is enough for me and even though I thought that I don’t need a guy to validate me tonight has proved it …. I will just wait, because I hope that whoever I end up with would instead of taking advantage of situations walk away (and I would do the same), so to stop the both of us getting more messed up and hurt than we invariably are (since all humans are messed up and hurting to some extent).

These are just my thoughts, your thoughts would be welcome on this blog x

This is my cooking pig i thought you would all like to see, its so cool! Thanx to John for bringing it all the way back from Lanza...any suggestions for a name anyone?!

A guy?!

So having already been mistaken for a guy - which doesnt do much for the old self esteem - I was convinced that it would never happen again - so started to grow my hair, but haveing done both essays and handed them in early I decided to treat myself to the full treatment at the hairdressers - however i hate sitting there looking in the mirror whilst my hair is cut and I just avoid looking it it - BIG mistake - when I looked up I was like ahhhhhhhhhhh my beautiful front bits of hair have gone and i look like a guy....nooooooo! Fortunately I have minimal public engagements so i am hoping that my hair will have grown a bit before a week and half when the busy Christmas engagement sesson begins! Oh the shame and to top it all i went to the libraury and looked on my file - under gender is said unknown - probably becuase they couldnt be bothered to fill that bit out, but still to find this out on this day was too bad for words!

No way!

Its so funny just cant believe it....it was all just a joke, Emma and me being Emma and me and just being silly! But...i got a person applying for position of Rhianwyns boyfirend with possible husband promotion...by email...well stranger things have happened I supose.

Spain

Just thought that I would put some photos of some uni friends and me in Spain, because i am looking through photos and thought hmmm I should share them!!!!!!!!!! I really enjoyed it...the highlight was being thrown around by a Dutch guy who could dance really well, there is a video, hmmm will have to get it and load it. Most of the photos are good ones of people......others well just had to be shared!

Fi (Sexy French Chicken 1), Rae (Sexy French man number 1), Emma (Sexy French man number 2) and me (with blond hair ... scarey...why is it that colour.... its just wrong)!!


There was going to be a photo of Liam and Jon ant and dec ing, but i decided against it .... it was just wrong, plain wrong...and the other photos of them, well wouldn't want to scar you....so instead these two amusing photos were used!

Liam dancing with a Whale and Jon....in pain?!....having his hair straightened by Rae











All of us (except Piet who took the photo) in a bar...excellent idea...everyone could pour their pints (Phil in blue shirt)

I loved the beach it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the colour of the water!!!!!!!!!!!!!











and one last one of a cool tree.....
Well not the last, the last is Phil and Piet and a guy we didn't know .... Alicante after a good night out

I love it.....

Its so cool, this post is especially for you Aaron, no don't worry i am not calling you an it, just the fact that there are some people who you don't have much contact with for ages and then conincidents happen and you end up chatting on the phone for hours! Its great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So heres to speaking to you before 3 years...... (hehe :) ). And I cant find my photos of Fraisethorpe, but i will!

I have decided.....that I love God!

Well i did anyway and do even though it sometimes is really difficult in my placement and my fieldwork tutor has serious concerns, but well today God really did his thing - don't you just love it when he does that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So many doors are opening which is good becuase the open ones last year have shut or are shutting and I thought noooooooooo God where are you in all this what do I do, but hes amazing and showed me some of the way forward.

Also I have decided that cups of tea to tradesmen are the way forward and a choc buscuit goes a long way to talking!!!!!!!!!!! (there are people working on the flat down stairs), so i'm off to the hairdressers on Friday lets see what oppertunity God will have waiting for me to be a light for him.

IO love him soooooooooo much i want to explode, well i dont want to but at this moment i think i will. All the way home i was going i love God, I love God i and then noooo nearly caused an accident well it was the other persons fault. So there we are yeah I love God and I am going to eat my dinner - which i cooked myself - Ham, new potatoes, vegitables followed by Apple pie and custard! Hmmmm then finish my essay off which I have to admit i am really enjoying!

Application Form

So Emma and I were talking (no suprise there) and thinking about a mutral aquantance who made an application form out for his girl friend, well they got married and adopted 2 really sweet children - hey it worked! So Emma has made her application form and I am making mine!

With this application form I can therefore get all the information I require in order to make my choice!

The Rhianwyn's Future Love Application form

Position Avalible - Boyfriend with possible Husband promotion.

Name:
Age:
Height:
Location:
Interests:
Height:
Eye Colour:
Brief description:
Current Occupation:
Current future plans:
Language (s) spoken:
Instrument (s) played:

If you were to take Rhianwyn on a date would you take her to:
a) A beach for a days surfing, then fire on the beach and camping
b) A Road run
c) Snowboarding
d) Doing not very much down Cardiff Bay
e) Salsa Dancing
f) A meal
g) other......................... (please specify)

If you were to secure the position of Rhianwyns' boyfriend with future prospects what would your thoughts be to doing after she finishes her degree (June 2008)?
a) Backpacking around europe
b) Travelling the world
c) Going to help a third world project somewhere
d) Settling down, marrage, morgage and money
e) Nothing, carrying on as before
f) other................... (please specify)

What is you favourite thing about Rhianwyn (min 100 words)


Refrences required
Application date closes February 27th 2008.
Applicants must be Male, Christian and ability to cook is essential (if you want to eat and avoid me cooking), Nice parents and spontinatity desired but not essential to position.
I look forward to receiving your application
Rhianwyn xx

Is this where I should also include a photo of me looking gorgous or just tell you how lovely I am ... and possibly exagerate the truth? No I'll be honest and scroll down for photos: Hmmm I won't tell you about my intrests coz then you'll just tick the answers that you think I want to know, but heres a photo anyway I'm the second one on the left
and the second from the right!











They are both old ones, or perhaps I should just put a normal one of me on.....?! Although normal.....Rhianwyn.....well that exciting thoughts awaits to be answered.....

Water

My water has gone brown, i have boiled it and am now cooking with it ....... if anything happens then you know why and I love you all. Man I feel sorry for ppl who have no clean water!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i ve just realised how much i take water well clean water for granted!

Oppertunities

Something that happened at the conference I went to at the weekend was like a mini revelation! The realisation that I don't really connect with God through music that much, yeah musics great and everything but not really my passion. Also I try to practice and play various intruments better and play worship songs etc thinking yeah I'll connect with God I will give him this as my worhsip - but actually what am I doing?!

During the sports seminar - 'welcome guys [pause] oh yeah and one girl' (gee thanks - a girl well its better than being thought of as a young man i suppose - think libuary). Anyways duringthe sports seminar they were talking about worshiping God in what we do. Is sports good, bad or neutral. My answer Good - hey God created it, God created us, God gave us the ability and talents to do it - so its good, but like money it is where it fits into your life and your priorities, if its first then its an idol. Anyway he then went on to talk about Romans 12v1-2

'Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.'

This means our bodies as an entiraty - thought process, emotions, physical body etc. It is something that I know, but it was like when I surf - i should surf to the best of my ability and my attitude should be as good as possible, beuase I am worshiping GOd out there, the same when running or in the gym etc. I connect with God through sport, through being out there, through using the gifts he has given me, rather than try and fit myself into what everyone is or thinks I should be.

Also at Body attack I got talkingto the instructor (actually my water at home was turned off, so i had to park for two hours so i could have a shower at the gym not at home) normally i rush off becuase of parking, btu i was talking to her and it turns outher hubby is a surfer, who was judging the competition that I was meant to be taking part in,. Anyway it was a really cool chat and oppertunity to start building relationships. Its funny becuase as I was doing Body attack I was like this is my worship to you God, talking with him (in my head or people would have throught i was mad) and I was also praying for oppertunities to talk to people in the course - amazing God we have people!

So yeah my passions hmmmmm
God, close family and friends
Surfing, Salsa/dancing and running
and of course young people generally, but especially the young people I worked with in Germany and travelling.

So i am posting it again

This is what I wrote Tuesday night, posted it then deleted it, but decided to repost it and later follow it up with new thoughts that I have about integrity so here goes…..

I’ve been thinking, what is integrity?
This thinking (yes I think more than just sport and food) comes down to how annoying it is that I cant be somebody else, why do I have to be me, its boring. I am tired of being Rhi the good girl, but recent events where I stopped thinking and acting like me ended up not too good.
I guess I look at some friends and think why can it be like that? Why can’t I do what they do? What stops me from just getting with any random guy or getting paralytic and do I really want this? No deep down. I don’t so why do I flirt with the idea? Shouldn’t God be enough and shouldn’t I be looking at him? Sometimes I feel so restless and just I don’t know what to do, I just want to run and run, but what from and where too I have no idea.
In the last few months I have come so close to loosing my integrity and becoming a hypocrite and what has stopped me? It was that still small voice. Each time I stand at a crossroads I know hats right I know the best way to take and deep down I want to, so why do I even contemplate the other path>! Take the one night we went out for a mates birthday and we both agreed to try and pull a random guy, she managed and I walked away, I was dancing with a stranger, but then just walked away. I couldn’t go through with the whole thing. May be its because I want so much more, but don’t ever think that it will happen so look around for something that’s temporary, that I think will be good enough or just amuse me for a while, but I know that it will just call me more pain and mistrust.
So you always hear integrity blah blah this and that. I know that my integrity plays some part in my actions so thought I would find out more about it and maybe because my head is just like a ball of wool all tangled over the floor.


Anyway here are some quotes I thought cool:
‘We are all faced with conflicting desires. No one, no matter how spiritual, can avoid the battle. Integrity is the factor that determines which one will prevail. We struggle daily with situations that demand decisions between what we what to do and what we ought to do. Integrity establishes the ground rules for resolving these tensions. It determines who we are and how we will respond before the conflict even appears. Integrity welds what we say, think, and do, into a while person so that permission is never granted for one of these to be out of sync.
[John Maxwell]

The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he would never be found out.
[Thomas Macauley]

Integrity is the glue that holds our way of life together. We must constantly strive to keep our integrity intact. When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.
[Billy Graham]

Its about walking the walk not just spouting stuff out and making yourself look the part. Its ok to struggle, question, be angry and frustrated, to have these doubts and wrestle with issues, but its what you do with it, does it bring you close to God, or do you walk away. Do you stick by what you believe or compromise, at the end of the day what and what is most important to you?
Are you willing to live honestly and uncorrupted (as Emma says) hard in such a corrupt world.
If integrity is matching up what you say with your actions then something's that I won’t do because I think/say you shouldn’t wouldn’t be a problem for someone else to do, because hey think it is ok.


Interesting, it all relates back to our values and belied as and even if we change, do we deep down hold many of these values – even though we may try and distance ourselves from the,… can we ever completely change?

Hebrews 4v12-13
‘For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.’
‘Living a life of integrity means being the same when no ones looking and still sticking to Gods word’ [Emma Edwards: 2006] {I’m in essay mood}

There is a need to be rooted in God and his word to know how to be more like him and to know what integrity is and live life like this!

Anyways there is my little piece, please comment and don’t think any less of mex

So annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does everything come at once, after surfing on Sat I have been given the chance to enter a surfing competition on Friday/Saturday and I am not here. ..grrrrr!

Waves

Well this morning got up and went surfing with the gang, was amazing ...sadly not the waves some off shore wind made them difficult and choppy to surf, but we went in there anyway. The height of embarrasment was when the wind nearly lifed me off the group and blew me away and the fact I couldn't hold the board very easily because I was being blown about.....the joys of being small and not possessing strong arm muscles! However stood up a few times which was brilliant, did a few spectacular falling off the board stunts and well just enjoyed it.

Whilst surfing and as I often do when I am in or near the sea and waves i began to really think wow God made all this stuff, it deserves respect everytime i got a bit cocky the waves overpowered me and I remembered that we just cant control this, we have tried to control so much, but we cant always and the same in our lives, we try to control what happens etc but somethings we cant and just need to leave it to God and trust him! Anyways there was a professional sports photographer there taking photos so maybe there will be one of me I can put up here...although if its of me spectalluarlly falling off i don't think so!!

(Above is a photo of Andrea and me (with blond hair ...shock horror) just after our surf in May last year, but its the only one of me surfing well with a surf board.

And this photo of John (AKA PC Stewart) is just for everyone to laugh at and provide a few seconds of entertainment, he truely did show us all he was a beginner...... not sure why it was so obvious though..... but its ok, because after a lesson from Phil he was like a true pro........










Anyways because i love my pink surf board i have taken a photo of it and well how surfin can take over your bathroom whilst your drying your stuff! Bewarned!

Temptation

Saw this on Sunday Papers blog thing and thought it was an intresting point...temptation is very real very with us and yeah just made me think about what things I am tempted to do that are wrong, and how often do I give into it and how can I maybe walk away or even get rid of that feeling tempted by all that stuff anyways here it is....

Temptation
At ‘ye olde churche’ this morning the topic was temptation - which got me thinking…
…there are perhaps three ways to stop yourself from falling for temptation:
Avoiding the temptation.
Self discipline.
Not feeling tempted by it anymore.

The first two strike me as very good practical tactics, but the third has got be be by far the best, if you can get it!

Perhaps, somehow, it goes hand in hand with being free to do whatever you want. Whilst it sounds incredibly dangerous to be ‘free to do what you want’ it must be unbelievably great to want to do just good stuff.

Imagine your favourite thing to do, and what a buzz you get from doing it. Then imagine something that is good to do, but you really hate doing it. Imagine really wanting to do that good thing that you hate doing. Imagine getting that buzz from it. You know how other people get a buzz from doing stuff that you really hate? Well, that implies that it is possible to get a buzz from stuff that you don’t currently get a buzz from.

I would love to love doing good stuff all the time. Some good stuff I do like doing, but some good stuff just freaks me out and scares me! It would be awesome to get a buzz from doing that stuff.
What about temptation? Well, if you can get a buzz for doing something good that you currently don’t like then it must be possible to stop getting a buzz from the temptation and see it replaced with getting a buzz for something else.

I love the idea of being changed from the inside. I know that that’s what I would like!
This item was posted by Mark Porthouse
posted to Life @ 8:17 pm

3 comments

At 9:52 am on October 17, 2006, Ali Campbell commented:
There are two lives we can live. Both provide a buzz. Paul writes about it, “the good I want to do, I don’t do, the bad I don’t want to do - this I keep on doing.” There are two ways of living and sometimes we can live them both in the same day - that is the battle. Essentially we live a “selfish life” or a “surrendered life” . . . I know which is easier!

At 10:15 am on October 17, 2006, Mark Porthouse commented:
Ali, I want you to say that the ’surrendered life’ is easier…
Perhaps the ’surrendered life’ is easier to live with, but the ’selfish life’ is easier to do?

At 10:08 am on October 18, 2006, Richard Passmore commented:
Mark what a great thought
“Perhaps the ’surrendered life’ is easier to live with, but the ’selfish life’ is easier to do? “

Just a thought (this obsession with posts will wear off when I am in a better and more productive mood I wont be on the internet all the time and also I just got the net so it it still a novelty!) x

Delirious?

So thought I would write about delirious the second post I wanted to write about, well I had to sacrifice Salsa to go, but it was worth it. I have to admit I kinda just went to go and do something (having not started Salsa when the tickets were brought) and having seen them in December in B'ham I was not that bowled over by them.

However I went and Tim Hughes started then Delirious came on. It was an amazing night, so full of worship and powerful, at one stage they were talking about unity in Wales and i just started to cry a little bit, and start really praying to God, because God has put Wales on my heart and was speaking to me over summer to stop looking forward to finishing the course so I can travel and possible (but I think unlikely) go to live in Germany and concentrate on the here and now. He has put me here for a reason and do I just want to go through these years through the motions, or do I want to be open to be used by God and see him move powerfully.

Anyway it was a good night and here is just a photo of the guys, there are lots more, but cant download them off my email (please Fi can I give you a CD to write them on?!)

I am a prostitute

So although I was going to do a rant about how I was feeling etc I thought better of it and remembered a post that i wanted to write about two weeks, but lack of internet stopped me.....no such problem now though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it started off when I read Isaiah 1v21-28, its harsh words but true and God spoke through it to me, reminding me of my attitute to him sometimes, i was once so faithful and pure, but somewhere along the lines walked away, although I felt way off from God all I had to do was turn around, which I did. He was speaking to me that what I was going through was part of a process (hmmm processes don't you just love them) to refine me from who I was and am to who he wants me to be. Anyways thanks to Bible gateway here is the Bible verse followed by my thoughts....

'See how the faithful city has become a harlot! She once was full of justice; righteousness used to dwell in her, but now murderers! Your silver has become dross, your choice wine is diluted with water. Your rulers are rebels, companions of thieves; they all love bribes and chase after gifts. They do not defend the cause of the fatherless; the widow's case does not come before them.

Therefore the Lord, the LORD Almighty, the Mighty One of Israel, declares: "Ah, I will get relief from my foes and avenge myself on my enemies. I will turn my hand against you; I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities. I will restore your judges as in days of old, your counselors as at the beginning. Afterward you will be called the City of Righteousness, the Faithful City." Zion will be redeemed with justice, her penitent ones with righteousness. But rebels and sinners will both be broken, and those who forsake the LORD will perish.'

Ok here is what i wrote:

I am such a prostitute, an adulterer above all,
you've given me everything, but I've looked away.
What more should I need?
Nothing my head says; yet my eyes stray, my heart wanders and my mind walks away.

We had our good times, together we grew as one, at one point inseperable, but now thats not so.
Theres always something newer, bigger, 'better' I turn towards and give my heart away to,
because I want to experience that something else I think i need,
that I think will fulfil me and define a new me.

I'm worthless and nothing, tasteless and trash,
I've been passed arround, cheapened and abused.
I've become selfish, hard and full of pride,
that I can do it myself.

Yet in the cold and dark I find myself alone,
The other things once sparkling bright just fade to a muddy grey.
Those things I chased and left you for, were not worth it,
so I desperate I crawl back to you.

Each time I say I will be faithful and you accept me back,
only to find it's not true,
another thing, someone else always comes along
and willingly I give my heart and leave you there alone

Why do I do the things I do not want to do and don't do the things I ort;
Why do I leave you for something that won't fulfill?
Why do you accept me back as unfaithful as I am and why do you keep on loving,
I don't understand, but I'm so glad you do.

So there you have it a little insight into my mind and what Gods been talking to me about, actually it's quite a wierd thought letting everyone possibly in the world read what is going on in my relationship with God and also in my head, but yeah I just thought I would share the verses, because they challenged me. And I think that many people like me are like the Isrealites were - with God, something better comes, leave God, realise that its a mistake because things were going down hill or God was getting their attention, come back to GOd - a viscous circle. Anyways I feel this blog is a lot more productive and nicer than the one I really wanted to write.

I hate

It is ten past two am - yes 2.10 in the morning and I have just spent since 11.30pm yesterday writing a journal, ahhhhhhh i hate them, ok so its my fault having only written two all year and needing to send two for a meeting thurs and well Monday I wanted to write both, but a certain distraction distracted me in the form of a Policeman. Such is life but that doesnt mean I like journals any more than I do (not). And Emma is sitting here writing a journal too - in the same predicament only her distraction was not a policeman but scotland. And to be far she is quite a distraction in herself spewing forth obsenities!!!!!
sleep calls and the incoherancy I seem to have accumulated will hopefully be dispelled by tomorrow in time for small group - the joys and I still have to do the prep for that - but hey what are car journeys for.

How amazing is my great gran!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to tell you all of an amazing lady - my great gran who is 97! I came back to hereford especially this weekend, becuase in the last 3 weeks my ggran has gone down hill massively and is begining to 'not be all there', although she recognised me - well my voice because she is blind - which I was pleased at (her recognising me not the fact shes blind) she had indeed gone massively down hill and even forgot where she had been born and that her daughter died 3 years ago etc, but what most impressed me was when I asked if she would like me to read her a Psalm (I always read her something when I go and see her, because she can't read herself and there are lots of books she would probably love to read) she suddenly was 'normal' again and clicked and even said which one she wanted read.

She is one amazing lady, becuase she is blind she sits in her room and prays for her son, nephew and nieces, grandchildren, 26 great granchildren, 1 great great grand child and many others constantly - A women of faith and an inspiration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although sadly she is going down hill it amazing to see her faith still and she is such a shining example of keeping with God even though things get tough - I can be sure who her God is!

More postings....

Ok so I have a list of things I want to blog on, but in true Rhiness forgot well not forgot but forgot to bring my journal with me where I wrote it down and thought hmmm I will share this with the world and also can be bothered to down load photos onto my parents computer for a different blog adn then download them onto mine at a latter date so I wont but the following blogs t appear probably sometime Sunday or Monday are......
Delrious?
I am a prostitue
Is it adultery?
Also a come back from Emma who well just gives half a story lets face it (lol) so you can get her side of the story from www.emmaedwards.blogspot.com ...enjoy!
Just thought make you curious and cause you to come and read my wonderful blogspot :)

Madness

(Andrea and me after the meal, I just wanted to show the world my top...quite different from what I would normally wear - its good to be different adn do things that no one would expect!)

So after a few weeks where all I could think about was what I would wear to Phils 27th (yes I really did think about it loads, coz i didnt want to be such a townie like last time and have the whole save the last dance experience feeling going on like the last time we went to Panache), so came up with a fab top, lovely earings (thanx to Fi for inspiration) and boots 9inspiration from Andrea) and my makeup artists Jo and Emma and hair dyer Emma. So really it was like being a celeb!

We had an amazing meal - oh so good I say everyone should go there! (Fi, Andrea and Piet are missing from the shot)

Well apart from majorly embarassing myself and wanting to die all next day through lectures when I even thought about it, it was a good evening! Anyways will update you on more theological thoughts in a moment.

Doesn't it look like little well there big but anyways sperm swimming in the photo. Looking at my left ear you can see me being zapped by my alienen mother ship beaming me back up or something.